What this says about me as a mother

last night we went to watch bull riding. It struck me as insane. We electrocute animals in their most primal spot then clap and scream while that animal bucks and jumps until the man on his back falls off and tries not to get trampled in the process. I saw it momentarily as a sign of our madness--how sad and bizarre that millions of people get pleasure from watching or participating in this process. The crowd was often drunk or odd and my eye was sadly frequently caught my parents and their kids and all those things I look for that are unhealthy or dangerous or uncaring... And amidst this insanity, one beautiful rose. A 60 year old Savannah cowboy with a smile--it never left his face. For his 4 year old daughter, for his Central Asian wife, for the kids below riding the metal bronco, for the riders, for the audience members trying to win cowboy hats...

My self knowledge today is this: I woke up and smiled to myself. I'm going to read the newspaper on line, I thought. I lit a gratitude candle, came downstairs to the computer, decided to turn on the lovely Greek music I get to listen to here while house sitting for a Greek New Yorker, and began dancing. I haven't done that in so long. I was positively mincing! And this early morning joy was due to this: my son is not here. He's spending the night with my parents. I don't have this morning joy when he's here. I rush to do things for myself like meditate or write in a journal or sneak around so I don't wake him up so I can have MY time before he's up... and I anticipate the things he'll want to do, like watch TV which I can't stand hearing early in the morning and also which I want to control--I don't want him to do that first thing--so I'm rushing to do "Centering" or "expanding" things for myself which of course doesn't work cause you can't rush it and at the same time anticipating his demands and our conflict when he wakes up. What does this say about me as a mother. What it feels like is this: I'm resentful. I'm not living the life I seek when he's here. Even if I let him just turn on the TV upstairs where I might not hear it while I do these things, it's not the same. I get stuck between feeling like I'm supposed to be doing house things or mothery things or that I'm sneaking to do things for myself--I'm no where near living in the moment! What can anyone tell me about this. What world view is skewed here? How do I create the harmony and respectful co-existence I wish, mixed with affection? How to allow the spontaneity? do you first need a routine for spontaneity to be possible? Probably. I wish he had friends in the neighborhood that he rushed out to play with on a weekend morning so I could take this time without guilt... Is that it? Is this guilt and then resentment that stops me from enjoying? Guidance please.