this is what i meant to talk about as if i were writing something in a fiction class. 2 characters would be in it, people i know, not well. they have a giant tiger like cat they talk about all the time, so initially i thought they were kind eclectic and interesting. then i even admired the woman's little butt, even though they're in their late 70s and i should be appreciating my own butt.

as soon as it seemed they'd started to take a shine to me, and particularly in the name of their unmarried son who live somewhere far away, i began to look at them as salespeople. salespeople that weren't selling something i wanted. and i began to notice what i had originally noticed but forgiven--the white crust around his lips and they way his pants hung down in the back, like some gangsta teenager. and her. these giant eyebrows all dark and bushy and her hair is grayish white, so they really jump out at you. her teeth also have a gap and they both seemed kind of unshowered on the whole. basically, i began to dislike them on the basis of their looks, white crusty bushy looks.

and they way they talked about their lesbian daughter and her much older girlfriend. they were criticizing but not judgeing. it was odd. they talked about it openly and shared their opinion about the unhealthiness of the relationship but not about her being gay--they weren't keeping it in the closet and still i wouldn't want them to talk about me like that--like they were talking about someone else's child? can't say what it is.

then, i must look in myself for the 3 things about them that bug me and integrate them by accepting them or acknowledging them. my eyebrows don't look like that. i hydrate to well to have crust except in very extreme conditions. my teeth are a bit smelly at times, but not too yellow and i'm pretty clean looking--at least to myself, though i wasn't tonight. and i talk about eden's private stuff all the time, and not always in a good way. i make fun and disprespect--this is something i wish to change and probably need to get out of the group that does it most to break the habit completely.

oh, and i have another bad habit. i play the victim which means i also blame others for my supposed plight. i looked on my sister's wall --full of 4 year old art proejcts and then a poster board with some pics on it. then said to myself--see? look: no pictures of me--that means I'm not important to her. I'm not loved. no chance... then i looked more closely, because i really hadn't looked that closely, and there was a picture of me! well i don't always get to win and be the victim. it's a habit--so i look for ways to feel the victim--the one treated unequally or unfairly--and then i get to excuse my wish to run from them or be distant or maybe even hurt them? who knows, but it's just a habit and i am loved. that's what i'll look for from now on--all the ways i am loved.

today a bunch of almost strangers helped me with this book. my dad was happy for my offer of help--and wouldn't have asked for it as he prepared a gourmet meal for us. my mom solved my problem of ruth staying here. i loved myself when i did exercise. there's a bunch of stuff i did that wasn't so nice--self concious about my clothes, my skin, my weight, my breath, how i treated eden if i talked to much if i lectured too much to the turkish people about child rearing or to donna about all the books i'm reading. write more talk less. that's good.

oh, and why do i detest ibrahim. let's see. he bores me cause he takes himself too seriously and thinks he needs to be a teacher all the time--ohhh, is that in me? ohhhh but yes. it means he doesn't listen well to others or hear what you're really saying or what you want or need. ohhhh yes. this is what i'm doing. what you say is just an opening for what i want to say and share and point out... then i get to be the teacher! ha ha! it is so. last one? he's using me to keep something to imagine about or dream about. yes yes. so many times he was that for me or any of a dozen men--i didn't have any idea who they were--only what i imagined they could be for me--i probably didn't even know what they liked to eat or do in their spare time--only that it better be veggies and lots of walks on the beach cause that's what i see us doing!