old friends that fizzled

so I got together with kids and all with a friend who had been really close but who i'd started not to like so much at some point--mostly b/c my own judgements about her were getting in the way of me having a good time with her. I judged that she was living a lie with her husband and found that the only thing I could talk about with her was this, even though I didn't enjoy talking about it, I couldn't talk about anything else until that was acknowledged and admitted to and then out of the way. It was easier for me to be around her when she was coming to FA meetings b/c that meant, to me, that she wasn't in denial anymore. It meant that I didn't have to talk her into ADMITTING THE TRUTH! What a big job I have, making people face up to THE TRUTH AS I SEE IT.
And then all her efforts to deal with her situation, Tolle and pain bodies, etc. they just started to sound like so much smoke screen and I kept looking for the lie behind everything she said and did, which, as you can imagine, was quite boring--rather it made me quite boring, so I didn't want to be around her because I didn't enjoy my own self when I did!
Then, the way she treated her children so differently from each other, one sternly, one indulgently, this was really really difficult to be around. Why? Because I liked one of them more than the other. The one being treated more toughly is my favorite--probably if she'd been treating the one I don't like as much, sternly I would have whole heartedly agreed and thought "yes, she deserves it, needs it, good training..." I imagined I was seeing favortism and it struck a chord so deep that I couldn't be around it without reacting to defend the one being 'victimized.' Ahhh yes, I see now. I was always the favorite of a parent and so not the favorite of the siblings, thus I identified with their cause-to make myself more loved by them or forgiven or whatever. Have spent a lifetime trying not to gain their acceptance by putting myself down, selling myself as less than I am, until I believed that was me, or feeling that all love and good feelings must be earned in order to be legitimate.
So, she was kind of frumpy with me--telling me how to be a better person... getting mad at the child I like when he wasn't really doing anything wrong, it was me or being around me or the stress of what's gone before that she was mad at--I understand that. And our kids got along this time--and we played though there was an akwardness--at least that's what I felt.

i love this. I feel myself to be intuitive and empathic, picking up on moods and feelings and seeing the TRUTH, but now I see that I can't see any "TRUTH" until I am clear--otherwise I'll just keep projecting my inner beliefs on what i see--I'll judge without being aware of it!

Oh, and another thing, she never asked for advice. She thought she was so perfect; didn't seem to feel down on herself or judge herself, or when she did, caught herself. It was so annoying! There I was, being hard on myself, finding myself imperfect left and right, and looking up to her in many ways, and she had to go and be human and disappoint me by being imperfect and then on top of it, accept herself anyway! Oh, what a self-indulgence! my my, don't we just love ourselves now. It's as self indulgent as getting a facial when you don't have a job. Wait a second, I do that.