old friends that fizzled

so I got together with kids and all with a friend who had been really close but who i'd started not to like so much at some point--mostly b/c my own judgements about her were getting in the way of me having a good time with her. I judged that she was living a lie with her husband and found that the only thing I could talk about with her was this, even though I didn't enjoy talking about it, I couldn't talk about anything else until that was acknowledged and admitted to and then out of the way. It was easier for me to be around her when she was coming to FA meetings b/c that meant, to me, that she wasn't in denial anymore. It meant that I didn't have to talk her into ADMITTING THE TRUTH! What a big job I have, making people face up to THE TRUTH AS I SEE IT.
And then all her efforts to deal with her situation, Tolle and pain bodies, etc. they just started to sound like so much smoke screen and I kept looking for the lie behind everything she said and did, which, as you can imagine, was quite boring--rather it made me quite boring, so I didn't want to be around her because I didn't enjoy my own self when I did!
Then, the way she treated her children so differently from each other, one sternly, one indulgently, this was really really difficult to be around. Why? Because I liked one of them more than the other. The one being treated more toughly is my favorite--probably if she'd been treating the one I don't like as much, sternly I would have whole heartedly agreed and thought "yes, she deserves it, needs it, good training..." I imagined I was seeing favortism and it struck a chord so deep that I couldn't be around it without reacting to defend the one being 'victimized.' Ahhh yes, I see now. I was always the favorite of a parent and so not the favorite of the siblings, thus I identified with their cause-to make myself more loved by them or forgiven or whatever. Have spent a lifetime trying not to gain their acceptance by putting myself down, selling myself as less than I am, until I believed that was me, or feeling that all love and good feelings must be earned in order to be legitimate.
So, she was kind of frumpy with me--telling me how to be a better person... getting mad at the child I like when he wasn't really doing anything wrong, it was me or being around me or the stress of what's gone before that she was mad at--I understand that. And our kids got along this time--and we played though there was an akwardness--at least that's what I felt.

i love this. I feel myself to be intuitive and empathic, picking up on moods and feelings and seeing the TRUTH, but now I see that I can't see any "TRUTH" until I am clear--otherwise I'll just keep projecting my inner beliefs on what i see--I'll judge without being aware of it!

Oh, and another thing, she never asked for advice. She thought she was so perfect; didn't seem to feel down on herself or judge herself, or when she did, caught herself. It was so annoying! There I was, being hard on myself, finding myself imperfect left and right, and looking up to her in many ways, and she had to go and be human and disappoint me by being imperfect and then on top of it, accept herself anyway! Oh, what a self-indulgence! my my, don't we just love ourselves now. It's as self indulgent as getting a facial when you don't have a job. Wait a second, I do that.

this is what i meant to talk about as if i were writing something in a fiction class. 2 characters would be in it, people i know, not well. they have a giant tiger like cat they talk about all the time, so initially i thought they were kind eclectic and interesting. then i even admired the woman's little butt, even though they're in their late 70s and i should be appreciating my own butt.

as soon as it seemed they'd started to take a shine to me, and particularly in the name of their unmarried son who live somewhere far away, i began to look at them as salespeople. salespeople that weren't selling something i wanted. and i began to notice what i had originally noticed but forgiven--the white crust around his lips and they way his pants hung down in the back, like some gangsta teenager. and her. these giant eyebrows all dark and bushy and her hair is grayish white, so they really jump out at you. her teeth also have a gap and they both seemed kind of unshowered on the whole. basically, i began to dislike them on the basis of their looks, white crusty bushy looks.

and they way they talked about their lesbian daughter and her much older girlfriend. they were criticizing but not judgeing. it was odd. they talked about it openly and shared their opinion about the unhealthiness of the relationship but not about her being gay--they weren't keeping it in the closet and still i wouldn't want them to talk about me like that--like they were talking about someone else's child? can't say what it is.

then, i must look in myself for the 3 things about them that bug me and integrate them by accepting them or acknowledging them. my eyebrows don't look like that. i hydrate to well to have crust except in very extreme conditions. my teeth are a bit smelly at times, but not too yellow and i'm pretty clean looking--at least to myself, though i wasn't tonight. and i talk about eden's private stuff all the time, and not always in a good way. i make fun and disprespect--this is something i wish to change and probably need to get out of the group that does it most to break the habit completely.

oh, and i have another bad habit. i play the victim which means i also blame others for my supposed plight. i looked on my sister's wall --full of 4 year old art proejcts and then a poster board with some pics on it. then said to myself--see? look: no pictures of me--that means I'm not important to her. I'm not loved. no chance... then i looked more closely, because i really hadn't looked that closely, and there was a picture of me! well i don't always get to win and be the victim. it's a habit--so i look for ways to feel the victim--the one treated unequally or unfairly--and then i get to excuse my wish to run from them or be distant or maybe even hurt them? who knows, but it's just a habit and i am loved. that's what i'll look for from now on--all the ways i am loved.

today a bunch of almost strangers helped me with this book. my dad was happy for my offer of help--and wouldn't have asked for it as he prepared a gourmet meal for us. my mom solved my problem of ruth staying here. i loved myself when i did exercise. there's a bunch of stuff i did that wasn't so nice--self concious about my clothes, my skin, my weight, my breath, how i treated eden if i talked to much if i lectured too much to the turkish people about child rearing or to donna about all the books i'm reading. write more talk less. that's good.

oh, and why do i detest ibrahim. let's see. he bores me cause he takes himself too seriously and thinks he needs to be a teacher all the time--ohhh, is that in me? ohhhh but yes. it means he doesn't listen well to others or hear what you're really saying or what you want or need. ohhhh yes. this is what i'm doing. what you say is just an opening for what i want to say and share and point out... then i get to be the teacher! ha ha! it is so. last one? he's using me to keep something to imagine about or dream about. yes yes. so many times he was that for me or any of a dozen men--i didn't have any idea who they were--only what i imagined they could be for me--i probably didn't even know what they liked to eat or do in their spare time--only that it better be veggies and lots of walks on the beach cause that's what i see us doing!

What this says about me as a mother

last night we went to watch bull riding. It struck me as insane. We electrocute animals in their most primal spot then clap and scream while that animal bucks and jumps until the man on his back falls off and tries not to get trampled in the process. I saw it momentarily as a sign of our madness--how sad and bizarre that millions of people get pleasure from watching or participating in this process. The crowd was often drunk or odd and my eye was sadly frequently caught my parents and their kids and all those things I look for that are unhealthy or dangerous or uncaring... And amidst this insanity, one beautiful rose. A 60 year old Savannah cowboy with a smile--it never left his face. For his 4 year old daughter, for his Central Asian wife, for the kids below riding the metal bronco, for the riders, for the audience members trying to win cowboy hats...

My self knowledge today is this: I woke up and smiled to myself. I'm going to read the newspaper on line, I thought. I lit a gratitude candle, came downstairs to the computer, decided to turn on the lovely Greek music I get to listen to here while house sitting for a Greek New Yorker, and began dancing. I haven't done that in so long. I was positively mincing! And this early morning joy was due to this: my son is not here. He's spending the night with my parents. I don't have this morning joy when he's here. I rush to do things for myself like meditate or write in a journal or sneak around so I don't wake him up so I can have MY time before he's up... and I anticipate the things he'll want to do, like watch TV which I can't stand hearing early in the morning and also which I want to control--I don't want him to do that first thing--so I'm rushing to do "Centering" or "expanding" things for myself which of course doesn't work cause you can't rush it and at the same time anticipating his demands and our conflict when he wakes up. What does this say about me as a mother. What it feels like is this: I'm resentful. I'm not living the life I seek when he's here. Even if I let him just turn on the TV upstairs where I might not hear it while I do these things, it's not the same. I get stuck between feeling like I'm supposed to be doing house things or mothery things or that I'm sneaking to do things for myself--I'm no where near living in the moment! What can anyone tell me about this. What world view is skewed here? How do I create the harmony and respectful co-existence I wish, mixed with affection? How to allow the spontaneity? do you first need a routine for spontaneity to be possible? Probably. I wish he had friends in the neighborhood that he rushed out to play with on a weekend morning so I could take this time without guilt... Is that it? Is this guilt and then resentment that stops me from enjoying? Guidance please.

Parts of me

Doing EFT tapping on joy, my feeling of heaviness where joy could be, I discovered a part of me. It's this judging part. I decide what people should or shouldn't do. I decide that it's selfish of my friend not to volunteer in our kids' school since she should be giving back wherever she can... I decide that people who don't have their parents move in when they're old and alone but rather put them in a nursing home are bad children. This means of course, that if I ever do that, I will have to consider myself bad. That's no problem, I've gotten into the habit of doing that anyway. Then digging deeper, I find that I don't trust my own judgement about choosing people to be close to who are good for me. Actually, I know that I choose good friends and people who help me grow or make me laugh... but what I'm really talking about is men, those people I would give me heart to. I don't trust my judgement about them. That seems to come from something that happened with my father when he threw my idea of trust and of what is OK and not OK to do, right out the window. I think I trusted that he knew best since he was my dad and older and loved me, and I guess I betrayed what I knew was right for me--so ever since, I doubt myself and my ability to know what is right for me. I couldn't seem to tap that one away.
So you know what I did? I offered it up to the Beloved, the Divine. I admitted I didn't feel that I could do it on my own--make the right decisions for myself, pick a man that is good for me, and that feels good, seems right now. I asked that I be guided, shown, given the understanding.

Of course all this judging of what people should and shouldn't do, say or feel, is quite a big responsibility and a lot of work. No wonder joy doesn't have room to come in. I've been very busy with heavy moral judgements. I've been doing the work they're too afraid to do for themselves. See, i just did it again. I judged that people should be judging themselves, so I don't have to! That those who don't examine themselves are failing somehow. And in order to put myself in the appropriate position to make these huge moral pronouncements, I must be suffering. I can't be happy---I have to be carrying the weight of the world so that I have the moral authority to prounce judgement upon you.

Something I noticed 4 months ago about this judgeing aspect of me, is that without it, I didn't know how to relate to people--I mean how to connect with them. This judgeing was my connection. If I wasn't watching you and having opinions about what you're doing, then what am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to see you? This one is still a bit of a mystery to me. I still wonder how to communicate without judging. How will I connect myself to you and others without that? I opened myself to a new way of relating and communicating--I opened myself to the possibility, and I'm still waiting for it to manifest. Like "Linda is doing lots of workshops. She must really like those." Instead of "Linda is doing lots of workshops. She is such a hardworking and creative person. I should be like that. She is better than I am. She is changing the world like I want to. I am failing." Boy, I just realized that when I'm judging others, what I'm really doing is judgeing myself. I'm measuring myself by comparison to some evaluations I've made up. I'm deciding my worth based on how I come out compared to so and so--and it's all going on in my head. Holy moly. Time for some serious mind-quieting and relaxing the consciousness--meditation.